


Wrapped All of My Past Mistakes in Barbed Wire

by RamsettParkSwings



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27091354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamsettParkSwings/pseuds/RamsettParkSwings
Summary: Five times Ben regrets putting love first, and one time he doesn't.
Relationships: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Comments: 15
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**November 1987:**

In seventh grade, Jenny Barton convinces him not to run for class representative. She really wants the spot and she promises to go to the winter wonderland festival with him if he doesn’t run against her. Ben really wants to run, but Jenny has really pretty hair that frames her face so nicely and she smells like cinnamon and he’s never felt like this before, so he agrees. 

Three weeks later, he’s standing outside the entrance of the festival holding two brownies. She was supposed to be there five minutes ago. Five minutes turn into ten, which turn into twenty, which turn into a night spent on the bench outside. 

It is the first and last time he lets himself miss that festival in his entire childhood.

**April 1991:**

In the last couple of months of his sophomore year, he gives up running for AV club president for the following year because his friends and his father were adamant that he not squander the small town popularity with which he had been gifted. He had good looks and an all-American boy appeal that came from being _just_ upper middle class enough to have a favorable reputation he didn’t earn, but not so much as to foster arrogance. Parents _just_ likable enough in the town to score him some social points, but they were still a broken family, after all, and that had its own penalties. It was a delicate balance, and no one ever said any of this out loud, of course, but then, no one ever had to.

He drops AV club altogether that year. Runs for still-nerdy-but-actually-respected-by-his-father Model UN Vice President. His friends and father don’t celebrate that exactly, but he could tell they were relieved. He knew he had endeared himself to them just a bit, and at 16, that was worth pretty much everything. And he genuinely _did_ love Model UN and had had a knack for it since freshman year, so when he wins VP, it’s not even hard to pretend that he doesn’t care for AV club anymore. That he doesn’t even think about his equipment collecting dust in his closet.

A couple years later, he hears about some kid in Indiana or Illinois or something who got electrocuted by a VCR and almost died, and it’s _almost_ enough to reassure him that he dodged a bullet. 

When he hears that story again years later, a flicker of recognition passes through him for only half a second before some greater autonomous part of his mind stamps it out.

**August 1992:**

Cindy Eckert had agreed to go with him to the spot just on the edge of town overlooking the creek. Before he’s sure of what’s happening, they’re making out and his hands are fumbling under her shirt. 

_Okay, Wyatt, this is your chance,_ he tells himself. He’s breathless when he pulls away, but he’s also full of adrenaline and there’s no way he’s letting the moment slip. He cups her face, strokes her cheek with his thumb, and braces himself.

“Hey, so listen, I know it’s kinda early to ask this, but would you, maybe, wanna go to prom with me?”

Cindy smiles at him, even puts her hand on his wrist, and he can feel the world falling into place. But then it seems...forced? And then his stomach turns when he sees the absolute worst thing you can see in the smile of a girl you really like: pity.

“Oh, Ben, I-I’m flattered but...I was kinda gonna go with someone else.”

“Oh,” he says. “Okay. Okay.”

“You’re a really sweet guy Ben, and you’re really good at...you know… but Dan is the quarterback-”

“No no, I get it. It’s totally fine.” He didn’t want to hear whatever explanation she was going to give him. They both looked down at their hands in uncomfortable silence, the fun mood of just a few minutes ago now totally gone. If he had been making direct eye contact with her, he would’ve said she looked a little embarrassed as she pulled her shirt back down.

“Listen, my folks are gonna want me home soon. I told them I was with Jennifer, they probably won’t check, but you never really know with them,” she laughed breathily. “Maybe we should…”

“Oh. Yeah, yeah, good call.”

He drops her off a couple blocks from her house, goes home, and shuts himself in his room. He pulls a marble notebook out from his mattress and titles a blank page “Debate Points (Offense)” and buries himself into tearing down Jeff Mossa, a city councilman in the early days of his mayoral campaign and who didn’t seem to have a serious opponent. Yet.

She’d see how impressive the quarterback would look next to the mayor.

_______

It would be 20 years before he could think of Cindy Eckert without wanting to scream at the universe.

It would be 25 before he would gaze into the stars and whisper his thanks.


	2. Chapter 2

**May 1999:**

Stephanie is the only Wyatt who doesn’t seem to carry at least a little resentment about the family name’s meteoric fall from grace six years ago. 

To their credit, his mother and brother try, and often do succeed, at hiding it. His father isn’t hostile but...he certainly wasn’t breaking his back to dispel the idea. Only Steph could look him in the eye and reflect the old Ben back to him.

He’s living and working in Minneapolis the month she graduates from college. They’ve gotten closer since she’s just a stone’s throw away at Macalester, so when she calls and asks him for a ride back home to pick up an outfit for graduation, he obliges immediately.

“I can’t believe my car broke down the week of graduation. That’s bad luck for you. Thanks again, Benji,” said Stephanie as they got out of the car and walked to the store entrance.

“Don’t mention it, Steph. Mom’s been insisting I come back to visit anyway.”

“This should be quick. The sales lady knows I’m coming in right around this time.”

____________

“What do you think? This good for graduation?” She spun around to give him a full view of her pale pink floral dress.

He beamed at her, his eyes full of affection and pride for her. “It’s perfect.”

She barely had time to return his smile before they heard the door open and a man shout: “Told you he’d be here!”

Being brutally impeached and fearing for his safety was, on balance, a very bad thing, but he had to admit, there were a few bright spots. Namely, he had much sharper instincts, so when Ted and Rob from Partridge High started launching eggs at him, he ducked without wasting a breath.

Steph didn’t have his instincts.

“Oh, we didn’t mean to get your sister, man,” said Rob. They exited the store barely suppressing laughter.

For a moment, they stood in stunned silence. He thought he might even cry when the yolk dripped down the dress until Steph said, barely audible, “Let’s go home.”

“I’m so-”

“Let’s just go, Ben.”

____________

Steph promises him she’s not angry, that she doesn’t blame him, she’s used to the occasional jerk. He wishes he had told her he couldn’t drive her. To get a friend or someone else to do it, because it was so obviously going to end poorly, and what an idiot he had been to believe otherwise. But he had a soft spot for her.

He calls the Indiana state budget office that same week. Accepts the job offer he had considered rejecting. Moves all his stuff out of Minnesota five days after that. Exaggerates his previous inclination to take the job, pretends that he believes his sister truly didn’t blame him. 

Pretends that what he saw in her eyes didn’t shatter him.

________

When he moves out of his apartment over a decade later, he gives the building one last look. He moves quickly, not letting himself acknowledge how trite his sentimental goodbyes to the city were.

A hollowness settles itself in his chest, making it hard to think; it hurts how much it doesn’t hurt.

**November 2009:**

He’s never been so in love. He’s been seeing Victoria for 10 months now, and he’s never seriously thought about “forever” before, but he thinks it might be time to start. He thinks about the past too, retracing all his steps to her like a scientist trying to find what went right.

He bumps into Cindy Eckert on one of his rare visits to his parents and he finds out she’d just had a little boy. He sends him a present. He walks Victoria through Main Street and takes her to his favorite spots. He doesn’t care about the dirty looks he gets when recognized. He’s floating.

________

The unraveling starts in the best way possible. He gets a career-making audit one week after coming back from Partridge. Apparently there are rumors of massive City Council fraud in Fort Wayne. It’d be three to four months at least.

“No. No. I’m sorry Ben, I’ve tried to be supportive. I can’t...have a relationship like this anymore. You can’t take that audit.”

He’s hurt but not entirely surprised. Though Victoria had never explicitly said anything like this before, they were in a very serious relationship by now, and the inevitable was becoming obvious; at some point, Ben would have to choose. 

“Then I won’t take it. I’ll tell Chris to go alone.” He chose her. Of course he did.

Her eyes lit up. “Really? You mean that?”

“Of course. Three months is a long time, and I just got back from Muckland. I could take a little break, spend some more time enjoying the city.”

“I’m glad.”

______________

She breaks up with him three weeks later. The guilt was eating her alive, she says. She could never ask him to give up his job for her, but at some point, she would’ve had to.

He tries to get over her, little by little. 

Still doesn’t let Chris set him up. 

He goes to the Circle of Lights alone that December, to feel some lingering warmth from their severed connection. Revisits their first date at the aquarium in January for what should’ve been their one year anniversary. Passes by giggling couples with cocktails and leaves. Tells himself that’s not why he left, but it is. 

Receives (grudgingly anticipates) his second assignment of the year that May. Tries not to think about how he should be coming back from Fort Wayne and into a break right about now instead of leaving for budget crisis #46.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyone catch the connection in this one?


	3. Chapter 3

**November 2013:**

Ninety-nine percent of the time, Leslie’s affection for Ben came from a place of general love and contentment. She not only loved intensely, but she did so selflessly, and being on the receiving end was one of the greatest privileges of his life.

As he had learned over the last couple of years with her, though, the other one percent of the time, her affection came from intense need. A need to anchor herself away from the world for a bit and get lost in the feel of his arms, hands, and chest. A silent plea for an equal return of affection that he always answered with a quiet, but resounding, “Yes”.

He could always tell when it was a one percent case, though he wasn’t sure what exactly gave it away. Maybe it was her decreased chatter. Maybe she clinged to him with a tighter grip, burying her face almost out of view in his neck. Maybe she held on to him for just a second longer than usual, as if to fuel up until the next time he held her close. Or maybe it was something wholly intuitive and inexplicable, a tug on the heartstrings that pulled them together. Something stronger than he could hope to understand.

So now, as she lay on top of him on their bed with her head on his chest, they were silent, save for their breathing and the sound of his hand running smoothly down her back.

“Do you think Sweetums really could’ve made sugar water come out of the faucets?” Leslie snapped him out of his trance.

“Honestly, no,” he murmurs. “There have to be about a million laws against that. Not to mention the massive media storm and bad press Sweetums would get from outside Pawnee.”

“Ben?” she asks after a few minutes.

“Hmm?”

“I’m sorry.”

He glances down at her. “For what?”

“For costing you another job.”

“Hey, don’t even say that. You were right to attack Sweetums. I think it would’ve been worse if you had held back just because I worked for them. Now,” he says, gripping her arm, “they have nothing on us.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, unconvinced. “I just...I’m sorry it’s always  _ your _ job on the line when it comes to us.”

He tilts her head up to look at him. “Leslie, do you remember what I said to you when I proposed? I meant it. This life that you’ve given me...no job could come close. I don’t regret anything. Don’t ever apologize for the circumstances that got us here.” He gestures between them.

Leslie smiles up at him. “You sure? No regrets? At all? You wouldn’t change anything?”

He pauses to think, sensing her need for sincerity. 

He thinks of glowing blue water. He thinks of glass and painful bursts of color against a backdrop of giggles. He thinks of interstates and empty gas tanks and rest stop meals. Of carefully packed boxes. Of rhyming headlines. He thinks of his car skidding over the bumps where dirt meets pavement away from the creek. He thinks of gavels and mini flags and how those fake treaties mattered so much more when it was gut-wrenching and pathetic for them to matter at all.

He thinks of warm, tasteless brownies. Of dates at snowflake-studded festivals that couldn’t hold a candle to cursed ones anyway.

He thinks of bad tap water. He thinks of oak fences and mini horses and delighted cheers. Of worn down roads and diners and waffles. Of haphazardly stacked boxes and birdhouses. Of snappy but too-long headlines. He thinks of his car skidding over the same neglected potholes just when he needed to be discrete. He thinks of not caring because, even then, he knew the cluttered house at the end of the road would be worth any number of flat tires and career scandals. He thinks of clumsy slogans and political biographies and golden hair and newspaper dresses.

He holds Leslie tighter, planting a kiss on her head. “No, honey. I honestly wouldn’t change anything.”

His hellish journey had been a path to greater joy than he had ever expected. _ But was it really unexpected?  _ He wonders if, had he known years ago where his life was taking him, if he would’ve noticed any signs along the way, if there were any clues he just didn’t see.

He would never know if something greater than time had pulled him toward Leslie, but as she drifted off to sleep on top of him, he knew he was fine with the mystery.

After all, wasn’t the mere reason to wonder just so beautiful?

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by invisible string by Taylor Swift!!


End file.
